Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
