the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
