well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
