I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
