Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Randomize
