if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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