oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
