Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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