Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
