My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
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