Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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