last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
