note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
God gave him joint rollers for hands
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
