So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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