The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
