I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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