If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
