But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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