Even the bartender felt bad for me
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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