I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
