Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
