i think my tv is drunk
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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