I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
