I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
this boner is exhausting
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
