I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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