your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
