I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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