I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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