i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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