I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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