So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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