i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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