She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
