FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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