I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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