Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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