The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
