i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
