I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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