How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
