you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
