Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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