Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
