I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
