I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
