i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
