Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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