thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
