i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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