she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
