at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
