His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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