I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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