I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
