you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
