Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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