I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize