i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
