im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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