I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
