There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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